From Swooning to Puking.

Well, it's good to know what the price of a well-kept hymen is. A thousand bucks, a gift certificate to the mall, and some McDonalds fries.

That's right folks! It's time to pit one untouched hymen against another in the abstinence essay contest! I'm sure contest officials tried their hardest to keep the screeches of "My virginity is better, slut!" down to a minimum while all the pure ladies fought tooth and nail for patriarchy approval.

Hey, I need some college money and I'm a patriarchy-approved specimen. Maybe I should send in my story. What do you guys think? "I view my virginity as totally forgettable and a burden because that shit's gonna hurt. I'm only keeping it around because I'm not an adult yet and so therefore I have no rights". How does it sound so far? Do you think I could be next year's winner?

Hmm. . .maybe if I mentioned my Dad. . .