Thursday, August 23, 2007

More On Why I Hate Catchy Little Lists. . .

This is why I hate catchy little lists.

Here we go again.

Mistake #10: Thinking That Your Great Date Actually Meant Something
Have you ever had a man say how much he likes you, how sexy you are, and how he's serious about finding a long-term relationship? Ever have an amazing date where the chemistry was great, the conversation flowed, and you hooked up with him afterwards?
Have you ever had a man do all of these things and then NOT call?
No, you're not crazy or delusional. Your mistake is thinking that what a man says on a date actually means something. It doesn't. It means he's being in the moment. So don't put too much weight on a great date. The only way you can tell how a man REALLY feels about you is by how quickly he follows up for another date.
In short, ladies, your mistake in is expecting men to follow up on their word. Your mistake is to expect more out of men than what they normally give you as a second-class citizen. That's your mistake, not theirs.

Mistake #9: Ignoring Your Own Intuition
How many times have you been across a table from some guy, wishing that you'd rather be anywhere else on earth? How many times have you felt deceived, angered, manipulated, or just plain turned off by the man in front of you?
Now, how many times have you considered that it was actually your fault that he was sitting there?
I'm not blaming you. I've been there myself. But the common denominator in all your bad dates is not the awful men themselves, but YOU. If you find yourself losing hope that there are any great guys out there, do yourself a favor and only go out with men who truly interest you. Instead of meeting total strangers, filter out men by email and phone. This strategy will prevent most bad dates before they happen.
I'm not blaming you, I'm just telling you that the fact that the men you find yourself on dates with are all douchebags is entirely your fault.

Mistake #8: Waiting for Men to Write You First
Have you ever sat in front of your computer, reading emails from losers, and asked yourself why the winners never write to you? You look at your favorites list and wish you could say hi to them, but you know better. It's tradition: men approach women. And you wouldn't want to come across as desperate. After all, what guy wants a woman who's so needy that she has to write to him first?
Actually, all men do. We love it. If you have a good photo, an original profile and you write a confident email, most guys will drop everything they're doing to talk to you.
If you don't have a good photo, however, you're out of luck. Okay, so I have to say that this one isn't that bad.

Mistake #7: Expecting Him to Tell the Truth in His Profile
You don't like to be lied to. Nobody does. And once you've gone out with a man who claimed to be 5'9" but is really 5'5", it's hard to keep dating. But haven't you ever done the same thing? The typical woman exaggerates her height by one inch and lowers her weight by 20 pounds. And it's not just a coincidence that the most popular ages for women on dating sites are 29, 39, 44 and 49.
You want to be given a chance. You don't want to be judged before you meet. And you're insecure that telling the truth won't get you in the door against younger, thinner women. So if there are good reasons why an honest woman might be tempted to misrepresent herself, wouldn't it make sense that an honest man might be tempted to do the same thing?
Expecting men to tell the truth is. . .a. . .mistake. So, when the next guy tells me he's NOT a serial rapist, it's okay if I kick him in the balls and call the cops because I'm supposed to assume he's lying, right?

Mistake #6: Thinking You're Now Dating the Man You've Met Online
Have you ever gone on an amazing date and saw that he was online right afterwards? Have you ever emailed a man who seemed interested then suddenly disappeared? Have you ever gotten intimate with a man who never called again?
You're not alone. All of these things are common in the world of online dating. So instead of taking it as a personal rejection each time a man comes and goes, take a step back. Think of all the guys who have written to you that you weren't interested in. Imagine all of them taking it personally. It's ridiculous.
It's easy to forget how many choices men have. It's easy to forget how many other women they're contacting. And if you think that you're exclusive with every new guy that gets you excited, you're in for a lot of disappointment.
So don't be upset when he hits it and quits it. Because, you know, writing to someone and fucking them are the exact same thing and require the same amount of effort and interest. That's why my marginalization of your pain is okay, lolz!

Mistake #5: Meeting for a Coffee Date to Save Time
Have you ever spent a month getting to know someone online and discovered on the date that they were a real-life dud? I have. I remember vowing not to waste that kind of time on a stranger ever again. You probably did, too. You probably started meeting guys right away to make sure that you had that "in-person chemistry." And at some point, on your tenth (or twentieth) bad date, you probably asked yourself, "Why do I even bother?"Online dating is NOT about meeting men as quickly as possible. Moving quickly means there is no screening. There is no getting-to-know-you process. You might as well have cute men at a bar pick a number to meet you. The ONLY way to enjoy online dating is by going out with fewer men. It's far better to go on one comfortable date on a Friday night than five blind coffee dates during the week.
That way you'll only be lied to, manipulated, and fucked around by one guy, not five.

Mistake #4: Expecting That You'll Succeed Online Because You're a Catch
You're sweet. You're fun. You're attractive. You have no trouble meeting men in real life. You figure that with all your good qualities, online dating should be a piece of cake. Except that's not how it's worked out. The only guys contacting you look like they've been let out of jail or a retirement home. There have to be better men out there. Then how come they aren't writing?
Simple. Any man who you think is a great catch has hundreds of options. And when a guy has that many choices, he's often going to search for younger women. Why? Because he can. So forget these guys and their unrealistic Playboy fantasies. Mr. Right is the man who wants YOU. Focus your attentions on the men who are searching for you, instead of the ones who aren't, and you'll have far greater success.
"Great catches" treat women like shit. So go out and get the guy who's been let out of jail. I'm sure he won't treat you like shit! Oh. . .wait. . .

Mistake #3: Trying to Stop the "Wrong" Men From Writing to You
Have you ever had a profile that just seemed to attract all the wrong men? You want a man who is attractive, successful and honest, and all you get are ugly unemployed guys who lie about their height. So, to stop them from wasting your time, you decide to spell it out in your profile: "If you're over the age of 50, live in another state, or have a substance abuse problem, don't even bother writing". And yet they STILL keep on contacting you! What can you possibly do to stop these annoying men who can't read?
Nothing. Ignore them. But don't try to stop them. After all, if you have any standards, most of your emails are going to be from the "wrong" guys. That's okay. They're allowed to write to you. And you're allowed to delete their email. As a quality woman, you're going to get all sorts of men who are interested in you. Your job isn't to scare away the bad guys, it's to attract the good ones. And profiles with negative warnings to the "wrong" men only make YOU sound bad.
Um, why? Why does not wanting creepy men to contact you make you sound bad? Do men say "Oh my gosh, a woman with self-respect! Oh noes, my cock is falling off"?

Mistake #2: Signing Up for a One-Month Subscription
Even though you know how difficult it is to find a soul mate, you signed up for a one-month subscription on a dating site. One month! You're going to fall in love before you get your next phone bill! Clearly, you've created an unrealistic timetable. So while you may not want to date online forever, you're shortchanging yourself if you act as if you have only 30 days to find a husband.
Remind yourself why you started dating online -- it's hard to meet people in real life.And quitting is not an option.
Oh my goodness, now we have to marry the guy who just got out of jail, too.

Mistake #1: Searching for the Right Dating Site
If a girlfriend told you that her biggest problem in losing weight was that she couldn't find the right gym, you'd probably shake your head. You know that it's not the gym but your friend's dedication to using the gym that makes all the difference. Yet you may think that you can cure your dating blues just by choosing the right website. Newsflash: ANY website with lots of single men can be the right website; your success is ultimately determined by how you use that site.
You can use Yahoo! to search all day long to find a place that is populated with tall, honest, successful men. But at the end of the day, it's not the site that will determine your fate. It's you. The question is how committed you are to turning yourself into a success story.
Exactly. Kiss patriarchy's ass and grovel at the feet of men over the internetz and you'll have yourself a great jailbird husband in no time! Hooray!

Oi. Hate catchy little lists about what's so wrong with women that they can't get a wonderful man to date them. Really hate them.

On the upside, however, I am currently blogging from my laptop. It is a big accomplishment for me. Haha.


FEMily! said...

The poor women who are looking for a date online and stumbled upon this catchy little list are likely more confused now than they were before. I know I am, and I'm not even into online dating!

JacqueFromTexas said...

I see your point, but I take issue with the following italicized comments.

In short, ladies, your mistake is in expecting men to follow up on their word.

Well, friggin' DUH!

If I slept with him, he apparently has no respect for me for doing so, I apparently have no respect for myself for doing so, so how can I get all indignant that "he didn't follow up on his word?"

Furthermore, So don't be upset when he hits it and quits it.

Men can't hit it without our consent. If we don't want to be abandoned, maybe we shouldn't give in so easy.

Don't get me wrong, the indiscretions of women do not excuse men from being panty predators. But I think we should know better by now than to have sex with a man to whom we're not married. That's just stupid.

Megan said...

Dear Jacques:

Even being married to a man doesn't stop him from being a "panty predator", ergo, the only responsibility for such abhorrent behavior lies on the shoulders of men who are such. Women shouldn't have to "know better" than to trust men. Men should be trustworthy. Women shouldn't have to lower their expectations of men's moral compass not to get hurt. Men should have to rise to the occasion. Excusing them when they don't is what allows male privilege to remain a constant in our society.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the comment by jacquefromtexas.

We, as women, need to accept some responsibility here. Yes, we may be attracted and hook up with a guy and really want to see him again. the risk of sounding like an easy slut, there have been a few occasions in my life when I just needed to get laid. And, no, I don't expect the guy to call me the next day and, actually, probably don't want him to. If I liked him and really thought there was a future for us, I would not have been so eager to hook up with him, I would have wanted to develop some kind of connection. I think it is extremely antiquated to believe that women can only have sex if they are in love -- haven't we come a long way from our mothers' and grandmothers' eras?

So, not that I'm excusing all bad behavior by men, but, c'mon, let's take responsibility for being adults and making choices that, for better or worse, made sense at the time based on our needs.

This goes for dates, too. I've gone out with guys and had a great time. But, if you are dating prolifically (on-line or not) you may also have had a great date with someone else in the same week. Choices are made and maybe, even though I had a nice time, I choose not to go out with one of them again because I felt a better connection with the other guy. Isn't it possible/probable that guys do the same thing? So, I agree with tip #10, a great date is just that, so if a guy doesn't call aftwerwards for date #2, I don't assume he was a lying douchebag; I just assume that, like me, he is dating other people and may have found someone he likes a little better -- how can I be angry with him if we are all trying to find the same thing -- a great mate???

Megan said...

Oh my, pardon me for misspelling your name. My apologies.

Megan said...

Yeah, but if you're dating a lot of people, it's usually not a good thing to act like you're not. The way the "Advice" is set up, it seems as if the author of the list is excusing men when they basically lie to women. I mean, if you're dating casually, do you tell people you're looking for a serious long-term relationship, especially without mentioning the fact that it may not be with that person you're with? I don't think that's acceptable behavior from men OR women, and yet the author of the list seems to think it's okay for men to do it.

Also, I don't think the expectation for guys to not hit it and quit it and have that be excused is thinking that women can only have sex when they're in love, or that men can. However, I would think it's a little childish to not even call or contact that person, or even actively avoid them afterward unless they get to be like a creepy stalker or something. Once again, behavior that isn't acceptable (to me, and I hope others) that the author is excusing in men.

Perhaps that can clarify my comments and stance on the matter.

Anonymous said...

It seems to me that the author isn't excusing men's behavior, but merely pointing out that it happens. His advice doesn't let them off the hook. It says don't be too surprised when your great date doesn't go anywhere - cause half the time, it won't.

Megan said...

Pointing out that it happens, saying nothing about it being bad behavior, and subsequently telling women to change THEIR behavior around it. He might as well just have said "Just suck it up cause it ain't gonna change". Like I said, perpetuation of male privilege.

JacqueFromTexas said...

Women shouldn't have to "know better" than to trust men. Men should be trustworthy.

Amen. There's a lot of things we women shouldn't have to do and a lot of things men should do. But there is also having the brains to protect ourselves.

Bottom line: Men can't screw us over (literally and figuratively) in this context without our consent. This "problem" of men that "hit it and quit it" can be completely irradicated if women would only sleep with men that have a real commitment to them.

There's nothing that implies that men are obligated to you in any way, shape or form after sleeping with you (unless of course you get pregnant, and you can make a case for child support in 9 months). So men are untrustworthy if they don't call the stranger after sleeping with her? You didn't know him enough to trust him to begin with. And frankly, I think any man that would engage in sex with a stranger is automatically untrustworthy.

I'm not excusing men that have sex with a woman and abandon her- but let's be honest. That took 2 people. I doubt he slept with you after a date because he was really looking forward to a long-term relationship. So why expect a call?

JacqueFromTexas said...

Pointing out that it happens, saying nothing about it being bad behavior, and subsequently telling women to change THEIR behavior around it. He might as well just have said "Just suck it up cause it ain't gonna change". Like I said, perpetuation of male privilege.

See, once again, I don't see this as a problem. If you don't have sex with people you barely know, your behavior doesn't need to change. I don't think it's a male privilege that men can go around banging every woman in sight without consequences- because it's only because of willing women that they can do so. If you insist that there's no banging unless there's a lifetime partership and he's expected to accept the consequences of our union(s), then you don't have to worry about being used and tossed aside.

I'm not saying, "boys will be boys" but rather that this so-called problem is completely avoidable.

Megan said...

But by saying that the situation is avoidable if WOMEN change their behavior while expecting nothing of the same from men, you essentially ARE saying that boys will be boys, because you haven't told them to be anything else. It shouldn't be a woman's responsibility to make sure men behave well. That should be up to the men.

Also, in the context of the situation provided by the author of the list, the man in question was leading the woman on. The man in question was talking about how he wanted a long term relationship and everything like that. That's leading someone on and it's manipulative. Everyone's been a victim of manipulation at some point. Why put the blame, or the responsibility, on the manipulated rather than the manipulator?

Also, I don't think it's fair to assume that if people hook-up after one date that they're not going to be in a long-term relationship afterward. Sure, it may not happen all the time, but I don't think sleeping with the guy on the first date begets never seeing him again, so I don't think women should expect it or be held responsible for the man's actions if that happens. The man's actions are on him. Sure, the woman participate, but in the situation provided, she was essentially duped. Lied to. Manipulated. Yet that's swept aside as if it doesn't matter and an iron hymen message is put in it's place. The whole idea of male privilege rests on the fact that male behavior is hardly ever the behavior that gets called out. This is exactly what's happening here. A man manipulates a woman and a woman is told not to be so easy to manipulate. A man rapes a woman and a woman is told not to be so easy to rape. A man beats a woman and a woman is told not to provoke him. Women are the only ones that are told to change their behaviors, even if it's entirely obvious that the man, or men in this case, is more in the wrong. It's not inherently wrong to sleep with someone on the first date (Yes, I know that's a matter of opinion, but the fact that there IS debate on it is what causes me to make that statement), however, I would hope that everyone could agree that manipulating and basically downright lying to people IS inherently wrong. Yet the woman, who commits the "wrong" that is less black and white is told to change, yet the man, who commits the wrong that is indubitable is not. The woman is essentially told to change for him, and his bad behavior continues. Every woman has the capability of being dupes, especially once. The one who has the responsibility to change is the manipulator, and in this case, it's the man.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Megan. Nobody disagrees with you. Nobody's letting men off the hook. Guys SHOULD do the right thing. But that really has nothing to do with the article, which was entitled 10 Mistakes that WOMEN make. It is not about 10 Things MEN do wrong to women, even though that would be perfectly valid. I think the author's point is that, you can't change the fact that some men are NOT going to be stand-up guys. Therefore ALL a woman can do (short of waving a magic wand and changing men), is to be aware of this and act accordingly.

Megan said...

However, his advice of how to act accordingly is for women to not even be offended when guys act like pricks. It's to be expected. If I were a man, I think I'd be offended that people were telling the opposite sex to just assume that I'm a prick. Wouldn't you? I don't think it's a mistake to have faith in people or to hope that perhaps not all of them are assholes. However, it seems to me like the author does, at least when it's a trait found in women. However, I'm sure if he met a woman who was distrustful of him at every turn, he'd call her a frigid bitch with his friends after leaving her sitting at the restaurant they met at. It's essentially a form of lip service that still excuses the actions of men. It perpetuates not only male privilege in the sense that the man's actions are not the ones meant to change, but also the double-bind that is on women in the dating world. The only mistake I can see them making is to buy into any of this type of tripe in the first place.

JacqueFromTexas said...


But by saying that the situation is avoidable if WOMEN change their behavior while expecting nothing of the same from men, you essentially ARE saying that boys will be boys, because you haven't told them to be anything else. It shouldn't be a woman's responsibility to make sure men behave well. That should be up to the men.

I think we all agree that this article is a sexist piece of trash. He is definitely implying what you say he's implying, that "Women are stupid for expecting men not to be pigs. You-WOMAN, make a mistake if you expect them to act with any integrity."

What I was saying is that modern-day feminism has taken the nasty behaviors of men and, in many ways, expected us to adopt their bad habits rather than men changing. Perfect example of this is the consequence free one-night stand. The argument was that since men can have sex with someone they don't want to be committed to and raise a child with, women should be able to do so also. Only our biology means that we're the ones that gestate children. Hence came birth control and abortion, so we can be "like men." So essentially, we've lowered ourselves to men's bad behaviors rather than making them rise to ours (and with dire consequences to our bodies). Men haven't been expected to step up and show some sexual integrity and responsibility- we've only made it easier and more acceptable for them to use our bodies and abandon us by letting them do so. So, in essence, women did change their behavior and lowered themselves to the poor choices that men made- hence the source of our problem.

My point is that we can reclaim our good behavior and avoid being victims if we choose not to have indiscriminate sex with guys we don't know from Adam. It doesn't excuse these men from being pigs, but it's a lot smarter and safer than being their prey.

Megan said...

I think that's odd. Men acting like men hasn't allowed women to treat them like trash. Men have been allowed to have consequence-free one night stands for ages, and what has become of them? I think that attributing feminism's support of women being able to make their own sexual choices, whether that's to have a different guy every night or one and only one for the rest of their life (which is feminism's stance, by the way, not what you have presented), to men treating them like dirt is a little iffy. Not only because it doesn't work when the genders are reversed and we look at history, but also because women were treated like dirt even before they had such sexual freedoms. The common denominator here, once again, is MEN treating women like crap no matter what they do. Also, I find it odd that you're telling me that feminists don't expect men to change when that's what I have been saying we should expect more than anything. I identify as a feminist and this is what I have been saying. It doesn't really fit into your generalization of the feminist cause, does it?

Also, I'm curious about this statement of yours:

"Only our biology means that we're the ones that gestate children. Hence came birth control and abortion, so we can be "like men." So essentially, we've lowered ourselves to men's bad behaviors rather than making them rise to ours (and with dire consequences to our bodies)."

What dire consequences are you referring to?

Antz said...

you act as if men are the only ones who are predators understandably this is your blog you can say what you want but I must admit that its quite offensive that you can categorise everyman from a percentage of dick heads. truth be told we are all people all selfish and all proud to some extent, some more than others, men and woman alike. woman are not innocent and I would go as far to say are just as bad. I really don’t see how someone who claims equality and Individuality can categorise and separate 2 genders in such a way

I mean no dis respect but I browsed in here to see what feminism is in this day and age but if this is it, a detailed explanation of how everything wrong in life is the product of a state of mind that men have against woman then I’m sorry but that just not register as common sense, just as if I were to blast all woman in general because of the pain that has been caused in my life from the actions of the woman ive known maybe im taking what your saying out of context and if I am please correct me.

I will continue reading through the Blog in case I am mistaken

Megan said...

To Antz:

I think you are mistaking the words of the author of the list I am criticizing with my own. I have not said that guys are the way they may have been portrayed in this list, the author of the list is. I am not countering it, true, and perhaps I should, however, that is because that's not my purpose in this particular post.

Now, if you would like to tell which other posts I (or my co-blogger) have made that you feel further categorizes all men as terrible predators, I will gladly explain my words on those particular post threads as well.

Also, just to mention this, I wouldn't take one blog to be an entire basis of the feminist movement today. It's ONE BLOG. You don't seem to like it when people take ONE MAN and categorize all men, so why do it with one blog and feminism? That is a contradiction of your own supposed values.